Jell-O-spined Kevin McCarthy resigns from Congress: Is his next move in reality TV or another sandwich shop?
In a Shocking! Shocking! development, after being unceremoniously defrocked by his colleagues, Kevin McCarthy, the erstwhile Republican leader from Bakersfield who was so desperate to become Speaker of the House that he practically had “Speaker or Bust” tattooed on his forehead, has announced his resignation from Congress.
The reason?
McCarthy finally realized that kowtowing to Donald Trump like a lapdog wasn’t the best career move after all.
McCarthy, who once prided himself on being a principled politician with a spine made of Jello, decided to throw in the towel after a particularly enlightening moment of self-reflection. Sources close to the soon-to-be former Congressman say that McCarthy had an epiphany while staring into the abyss of Trump’s Truth Social feed, realizing that blind loyalty to a reality TV star-turned-politician might not be the key to a successful and fulfilling political career.
Insiders reveal that McCarthy’s resignation letter is a masterpiece of political doublespeak, carefully crafted to sound like a noble act of sacrifice for the greater good. It reads like a South Park episode, with McCarthy lamenting the burdens of leadership and the heavy toll of being a perpetual doormat for Trump.
“It is with a heavy heart and a light spine that I announce my resignation from Congress,” McCarthy’s letter begins. “I have come to the realization that my unwavering support for a certain orange-hued former president may not have been the smartest career move. In retrospect, perhaps I should have considered standing up for principles and values instead of just bending over backward for the sake of political expediency.”
The news of McCarthy’s resignation sent shockwaves through the political landscape, with many wondering who will step up to fill the void of spinelessness he left behind. Some Republicans, however, see this as an opportunity for the party to evolve beyond unquestioning loyalty to Trump and start focusing on policies and ideas that benefit the American people. Of course, those Republicans are currently in hiding, fearing the wrath of Trump’s social media tirades.
As McCarthy exits the political stage and heads back to Bakersfield, or maybe opens a lucrative lobbying shop on K Street in DC, he leaves behind a legacy of sycophancy and a cautionary tale for aspiring politicians: when you play with Trump, you might end up as just another casualty of his Truth Social war- just ask Rudy Guliani.
Perhaps McCarthy’s next career move will be on reality TV running a sandwich shop, where his talent for bending over backward can truly shine. After all, in Trump’s America, spinelessness and kowtowing might be the ultimate skill set for success.
