Trump Declares War on Canadian Coin Invasion - Possession Could Lead to 3 Years in Prison

Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move that left the nation scratching its head, early this morning President Donald Trump announced that possession of Canadian coins is now illegal and could lead to criminal charges, with penalties ranging from up to three years in prison and fines up to $25,000 for attempting to "pass off" Canadian currency as American coins. 

The announcement in a Truth Social post sparked confusion, frustration, and a smattering of laughter.

“Today, we are putting an end to the invasion of Canadian currency into our great country,” Trump wrote in a Truth Social posting. “Anyone caught with Canadian coins will be treated as criminals—because that’s what they are. They’re counterfeit coins, fake money, and we’re not putting up with it anymore. Period. If you try to pass one of those loonies or toonies, you're going to jail.”

Under the new directive, which many call the "Coin Wars," the U.S. Treasury Department has formed a new enforcement unit called the Canadian Coin Corruption (CCC) with broad authority to hunt down and seize any Canadian coins found within U.S. borders. These efforts will primarily focus on border communities, where Canadians often cross over for shopping, leaving behind their national currency in the U.S.

Merchants, who have long been taking Canadian coins, which are worth less than U.S. currency based on exchange rates, will now be incentivized to report those trying to use the "unpatriotic" coins. Under the new program, store owners who spot customers attempting to spend Canadian money will be rewarded with bounties of up to $5,000 per person, a scheme Trump claims will bolster the economy and “make stores great again.”

“We are protecting American money,” Trump said during a brief press conference. “The American people deserve to have American coins, not these foreign, fake coins from Canada. They’re an affront to our great nation. What’s next? Canadian fake maple syrup in our pancakes? That’s going too far.”

The Amnesties and the Melting Program

In a move to ease the transition, President Trump has also announced a voluntary amnesty program for those willing to turn in their Canadian coins. 

“You can come to us, no questions asked, and we will take those coins off your hands. We’ll melt them down and turn them into something truly American: Trump busts," Trump said. "Yes, all that Canadian money will be transformed into magnificent statues of your favorite president. They’ll be placed in all 50 state capitols across this country. No more will Canadian coins pollute our currency system.”

Trump assured that the Canadian coins would be melted with the utmost care and precision to ensure the metallurgical quality of the newly created statues. This will cost taxpayers a staggering $300 million in the “Trump Statue Fund,” which is allocated from the national budget.

Elk Grove Mayor Bobbie Singh-Alen’s Strong Support

Local leaders have wasted no time showing their unwavering support for the president’s new coin crackdown. 

Elk Grove, California, Mayor Bobbie Singh-Alen, also the president of the American Petroleum and Convenience Store Association (APCSA), praised the initiative, claiming it would help save the industry millions. Singh-Alen was appointed by Trump to head the CCC Advisory Board, which suggested a bounty program.

“We’ve been dealing with Canadian coins for years now,”  Singh-Allen said in an announcement from Elk Grove City Hall. “At our gas stations, my members lose about $25 annually per station due to the fluctuating value of Canadian coins. It's a huge problem. We can’t even give out proper change with these worthless coins! I’m thrilled that President Trump is addressing this issue. With the new bounties, my members can finally make some money off this problem, and we can keep America’s gas stations clean of foreign coins. I’m all in on this.”

Singh-Alen’s endorsement was met with mixed reactions from the public. Many citizens, particularly in areas bordering Canada, are confused by the new law's practical implications. 

“This seems a little extreme,” said Morelle DeKeigh, a convenience store owner in Bellingham, Washington. “I’ve been accepting Canadian coins for years, and now I have to worry about getting fined or reporting customers? It’s just loose change, for crying out loud.”

Canada Responds: A Coin Crisis?

Meanwhile, across the northern border, Canadian officials are reacting with a mixture of amusement and confusion. 

“We are deeply concerned about the consequences this may have on our relationship with the United States,” Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney said in a press gaggle. “We are evaluating our next steps, but rest assured, we will not be issuing any refunds for the thousands of loonies and toonies potentially abandoned in U.S. vending machines. That is American policy, not Canadian.”

For now, Americans are left to wonder whether the Canadian coin crisis is a symptom of a larger issue involving currency, patriotism, and the rise of “Trump-style” economics.

So, what’s next for the dollar? Will it be defended at all costs, or will the U.S. government start melting down any foreign coins that dare cross its borders? 

As the clock ticks down, residents of border communities are left pondering one crucial question: Should they hide their Canadian pennies under the mattress or just turn them in for a chance to help fund the construction of Trump busts at state capitols?

HAFD